• F*cking History

  • 111 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School
  • By: The Captain
  • Narrated by: The Captain
  • Length: 4 hrs and 7 mins
  • 4.0 out of 5 stars (239 ratings)

1 title per month from Audible’s entire catalog of best sellers, and new releases.
Access a growing selection of included Audible Originals, audiobooks and podcasts.
You will get an email reminder before your trial ends.
Your Premium Plus plan is $14.95 a month after 30 day trial. Cancel anytime.
F*cking History  By  cover art

F*cking History

By: The Captain
Narrated by: The Captain
Try for $0.00

$14.95/month after 30 days. Cancel anytime.

Buy for $21.00

Buy for $21.00

Pay using card ending in
By confirming your purchase, you agree to Audible's Conditions of Use and Amazon's Privacy Notice. Taxes where applicable.

Publisher's Summary

History that doesn't suck: Smart, crude, and hilariously relevant to modern life.

Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. Too bad it's usually boring as sh*t. Enter The Captain, the ultimate storyteller who brings history to life (and to your life) in this hilarious, intelligent, brutally honest, and crude compendium to events that happened before any of us were born.

The entries in this compulsively listenable book bridge past and present with topics like getting ghosted, handling haters, and why dog owners rule (sorry, cat people). Along the way you'll get a glimpse of Edith Wharton's sex life, dating rituals in Ancient Greece, catfishing in 500 BC, medieval flirting techniques, and squad goals from Catherine the Great. 

You'll learn why losing yourself in a relationship will make you crazy - like Joanna of Castile, who went from accomplished badass to Joanna the Mad after obsessing over a guy known as Philip the Handsome. You'll discover how Resting Bitch Face has been embraced throughout history (so wear it proudly). And you'll see why it's never a good idea to f*ck with powerful women - from pirate queens to diehard suffragettes to Cleo-f*cking-patra. 

People in the past were just like us - so learn from life's losers and emulate the badasses. The Captain shows you how.

©2020 The Captain (P)2020 Penguin Audio

What listeners say about F*cking History

Average Customer Ratings
Overall
  • 4 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    145
  • 4 Stars
    27
  • 3 Stars
    23
  • 2 Stars
    16
  • 1 Stars
    28
Performance
  • 4 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    130
  • 4 Stars
    26
  • 3 Stars
    16
  • 2 Stars
    9
  • 1 Stars
    21
Story
  • 4 out of 5 stars
  • 5 Stars
    130
  • 4 Stars
    22
  • 3 Stars
    17
  • 2 Stars
    9
  • 1 Stars
    25

Reviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars

Not what I expected

I feel like this was written by a 15 year old that just watched a Ted Talk and is trying too hard to be inspiring. I expected to learn little known stories and instead I get a paragraph of history and 5 paragraphs of random bro comments that dull my mind.

I’m pretty sure the audience this book is written for us too self-consumed to realize that most of the historical stories are being told incorrectly with the wrong synopsis.

Someone needs to actually open a history book and not use Wikipedia.

I wasted my money.

9 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars

Entertaining But Eye-Rolling

I really like The Captain but felt like he was pandering to women the whole time yet slightly belittling. I get that that’s probably his audience but could have done without his tips for women or what we’re doing wrong. Also cut the millennial jargon. If I hear someone use “AF” or whatever else one more time, I’m gonna explode.

8 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    2 out of 5 stars

This may have been written by a 6th grader

cool stories, but WAY too casual... like, I get it's called F*CKING HISTORY, but the author repeatedly adds zero complexity with tasteless metaphors. It sounds like a teenage boy was given free reign to cuss in a 4-hour history paper. Cringy, over-simplified, and barely funny. I don't understand the high ratings.

4 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars

Ekspecially

If you cannot handle a narrator that cannot pronounce the word “especially” this book isn’t for you. These are not lessons that should be taught in school, for the most part, either. Some of the stories are good though.

4 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars

A series of anecdotes that are only superficially amusing

The author thinks he’s hilarious, when in fact, he is not. And i didn’t learn anything, because every anecdote only covers the punchline of the historical event—but does not elaborate on the significance of it in its historical context. Pretty boring honestly

3 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars

Dumb

Dumb book dumb stupid book. Don’t waste your time. Blah blah blah blah dumb dumb

3 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

I want more! ❤🤣

This was the most awesome book I've ever listened to on this app. I laughed my ass off, cheered, and snickered and grinned like a fool while listening to this book, it was a thrill and the narrator, our lively Captain was phenomenal 🤣🤣❤❤

I recommend this as the best last night read, and for your crappy days to be bright. Thank you Captain.

2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

History for modern times.

If you have ever read The Captain’s posts on Social Media and you love them, then you NEED this book. And to hear it told IN HIS OWN VOICE is a HUGE bonus!! He’s taken his Sunday School lessons and put them all in one place! I loved reading all about the people and events he put in this book. I HIGHLY recommend to anyone who loves history. And not just the stuff in the textbooks!

1 person found this helpful

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars

This is garbage

Stopped listening after 10 minutes. Overkill on the cursing. The stories would be interesting if they weren’t bogged down by the narrators need to make a punchline every 30 seconds. Reaching too hard. Save your time and find something else

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

Reminds me of those medical fact books I read b4

If you're not a pearl clutcher and think cursing is a way to accentuate and make language pop, rhen this book is for you.
Full of quirky, gruesome and relevant historic facts that makes one life bearable by comparison.
iow, great book for casual reading.

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    2 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Robert Reid
  • Robert Reid
  • 07-19-22

What could have been good, made bad.

The return book is a great feature of Audible. I imagine the best story was saved for the sample.

  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    4 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for KHENDX
  • KHENDX
  • 07-14-22

Swearing didn’t add anything?

Historical facts were actually quite interesting so this would probably be better to read, rather than listen. I stopped listening because the swearing was just unnecessary and a bit annoying after a while.

  • Overall
    1 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    1 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Amazon Customer
  • Amazon Customer
  • 07-12-22

GEN Z HISTORY

Obviously missed the demographic on this...
Relate your most recent Snapchat to Joan of Arc triumphing over misogyny...

Pandering Pish!

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Sarah
  • Sarah
  • 11-20-20

The Captain never disappoints!

What a refreshing mind set. Now I'm a fan of The Captain's social media posts so call me biased but when i found out about the audible book had to download. So glad I did. no Bulls**t no nonsense historically modern advice. on that note I've just bought Mary Shelleys Frankenstein to compare my dating history. brilliant man. loved it. Captain for President. 👏🏼👏🏼

Sort by:
Filter by:
  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    2 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Sybariten
  • Sybariten
  • 11-23-20

Great idea, average execution.

An interesting idea and there are some good stories in there, but after a while it just becomes too painful to listen to this narrator. The language belongs in a straight-to-DVD American college movie. It's a tiresome example of how uneducated 16 year olds sound when they desperately try to convey impactful stories to their friends, but the only way they know of emphasizing things is by throwing in as much "f*cking" or "as f*ck" as possible. I have no issues with swearing, but after 20 minutes of this the narrator has managed to become a parody of himself. It detracts from the story itself and becomes tiresome very quickly.

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars
Profile Image for Maria
  • Maria
  • 10-16-20

Fantastic!

It’s my first time listening to audible and I have to say that F*cking History was a great starter. So many laughs and at the same time educational. I loved it! MORE PLEASE Captain! Thank you for keeping me laughing and entertained while doing school dropoffs ❤️🙏🏽🔥🙌