• I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

  • Essays
  • By: Tom Segura
  • Narrated by: Tom Segura
  • Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
  • 4.9 out of 5 stars (8,251 ratings)

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I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

By: Tom Segura
Narrated by: Tom Segura
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Publisher's Summary

From Tom Segura, the massively successful stand-up comedian and cohost of chart-topping podcasts 2 Bears 1 Cave and Your Mom’s House, hilarious real-life stories of parenting, celebrity encounters, youthful mistakes, misanthropy, and so much more.

Tom Segura is known for his twisted takes and irreverent comedic voice. But after a few years of crazy tours and churning out podcasts weekly, all while parenting two young children, he desperately needs a second to himself. It’s not that he hates his friends and family—he’s not a monster—he’s just beat, which is why his son’s (ruthless) first full sentence, “I’d like to play alone, please”, has since become his mantra. 

In this collection of stories, Tom combines his signature curmudgeonly humor with a revealing look at some of the ridiculous situations that shaped him and the ludicrous characters who always seem to seek him out. The stories feature hilarious anecdotes about Tom's time on the road, including some surreal encounters with celebrities at airports; his unfiltered South American family; the trials and tribulations of parenting young children with bizarrely morbid interests; and, perhaps most memorably, experiences with his dad who, like any good Baby Boomer father, loves to talk about his bowel movements and share graphic Vietnam stories at inappropriate moments. All of this is enough to make anyone want some peace and quiet. 

I'd Like to Play Alone, Please will have listeners laughing out loud and nodding in agreement with Segura's message: In a world where everyone is increasingly insane, sometimes you just need to be alone.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.  

©2022 Tom Segura (P)2022 Grand Central Publishing

Featured Article: Best of the Year—The 10 Best Comedies of 2022


Discover memoirs and essay collections, scripted podcasts, and even—in the case of our winner—a documentary series. The protean nature of this list makes sense for comedy, because there’s humor just about everywhere and in everything if you’re looking for it. Sometimes that humor is just plain silliness, but sometimes that humor gets down to the core of what it means to be a person—a way to make sense of the bumps and bruises we get along the way.

Editorial Review

A legendary comedian and podcaster bares all
I’m a firm believer that the best jokes are actually stories. And because stand-up comedians spend so much time early in their careers on the road fine-tuning their routines in less than ideal circumstances, they inevitably have a deep well of bizarre experiences and raucous nights to draw from. So, it’s no surprise that Tom Segura has plenty of amazing and hilarious tales; some are ribald, others hard to believe—which is probably why the wildest ones feature photo evidence in the included PDF. His chance encounters with Mike Tyson and Serena Williams reveal a depth of character and relatable insecurities that few storytellers can conjure—and he pulls it all off with his wry sense of humor and askew personality that’s elevated him to the top of the stand-up and podcasting realms. — Sean T.

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What listeners say about I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

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Hot sauce is the best!

I could not have asked for a better Audi book! Tom was definitely not stingy and delivered in full. I could not stop listening to this once I started. Seriously try it out!

14 people found this helpful

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It on took 4 strokes!

I took 12 Benadryl and got through this entire audio book in 4 strokes. Tom kept his jeans both high and tight while writing this riveting novel. He is definitely the water champ and Hot Sauce is the best!

12 people found this helpful

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100% yes.

If you enjoyed Tom Segura’s stand up and/or his podcast, this is a solid gold box of wonderful. The stories you already know, he tells in even greater hilarious detail. The ones you don’t know yet are every bit as good. And to top it off, it’s all delivered by him in his signature, perfect, even cadence that sounds like something between a wide eyed 10 year old encountering his first adventures in the world, and the delightfully condescending mellow-energy stand-up power house that he is. I am now on my third back to back listen in a row. I will enjoy this for years to come.

6 people found this helpful

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Touched my camera through the fence

Tim Sugar kills it in this performance of his book, ‘I’d Like to Play Alone, Please,’ breathing life to his words in a way that a normal, low and loose jean wearer simply could not. Of course, as a true mommy should, I purchased a hard copy as well. I cannot express how much better it is hearing Tom tell these stories with his impressions of all of the wild characters in his life. Special shout to Elece Green for bringing quality in production to an already fantastic piece of work. I rate it 4/4 strokes.

6 people found this helpful

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Certified main mommy classic

Goodmorning Julia,
This book touched my feelings through the fence. I took 10-12 Benadryl and got listening. It is absolutely fantastic. Tom goes into multiple stories of his life, including different life lessons he’s learned and just entertaining and relevant stuff that has happened to him. If you call yourself a mommy and you claim to wear your jeans high and tight, you better listen to this masterpiece. It will make you laugh, cry, think, and maybe even cum. I’m an absolute fan of tommy bunz and being able to indulge in his story telling abilities in this format was top-notch. Truly shows you who the main personality champ is, and emotion champ, water champ is still up for grabs. Don’t pirate the book, we’re gonna ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest global main mommy book mankind has ever seen.
Keep ur jeans high and tight
Ps: Garth pls give me back my fam

5 people found this helpful

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Hey buddy

This book is no less than 4 strokes worthy, one could even say better than using a lung infection as an instrument, Rest In Peace Top Dog. HEY BUDDY!

4 people found this helpful

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homeherenow

This is definitely a four stroke banger.Jeans did such a great job what a cool guy . seriously though he really did a great job. I'm also glad he was the reader THANKS TOMMMMM

3 people found this helpful

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Tommy is the best (Peruvian accent)

awesome book by one of my all time favorite comedians. Most people's lives and stories I could care less about, specially comedians, but it is very interesting to hear how a person, who very easily, could have grown up to be another nobody, is instead becoming one of the greatest comedians of all time. Cheers Tom.

3 people found this helpful

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10 out 12 Benadryl

Tom does an amazing job providing the tone and feel for for his stories here. Rarely as listeners do we get to experience an audio book that’s preformed by its author, and even rarer than that is an author that can actually preform well on mic!

An excellent collection of stories, laughs, an insights from the water champion himself.

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Better then the bible!

Love all the sound bites! He reads it so well! I can't wait for the next book.

3 people found this helpful

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  • Tom Geddes
  • 06-15-22

Definitely not stingey.

if this book was a camera, I'd totally touch it through the fence. absolutely love everything Tim does and this book really didn't dissapoint. Great listen. also it was nice not having Bart interrupt all the way through.

2 people found this helpful

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  • David
  • 06-15-22

Tommy buns strikes again

My jeans have never been so high and tight.
Retelling of old classic tales told on various podcasts over the years and some new ones mixed in. Whether you're a fan of Tom's stand up, YMH or Two Bears, this is an absolute must.

For Top Dog

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-15-22

Hilarious.

Honestly I can say, this is one of the best and funniest books I've heard. I listened to it in a day, thank you Tom.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Patrik
  • 06-14-22

😂 Love it

Love it, great story telling, very funny. Tommy is the one and only, great,

1 person found this helpful

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  • Owen Virgin
  • 12-02-22

Superb Book

I am a massive fan of Tom but this book is superb. Definitely listen to the audio because you’ll get to hear everything in his voice and the way he intended for it to be received. Very funny and interesting insight to one of the greatest comedies there is!

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  • Ryan
  • 11-29-22

High AND tight

Open up your heart, and your arms, to this fantastic collection of stories by the water champ.

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  • Sean Thomson
  • 11-12-22

fantastic insight

What a fantastic insight into the life of Tom. He truly is a legend and this book will give you that information to see that we all put our pants on the same way.

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  • James
  • 10-21-22

Exactly what you’d expect

Exactly what you would expect from Mom Segura.
You’ve heard some of the stories before if you’re a YMH/2B1C fan but it’s still great and funny.

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  • paul mccaffery
  • 09-23-22

Tommy Buns Legend

Brilliant book and Tom make you laugh so god damn hard. It’s all love. Buy this you won’t regret it.

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 09-22-22

Laughed the whole way through

Great story, just like the podcast I spent the whole time laughing and listening to a really interesting story!

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-15-22

5/5 Jeans!

This book was high and tight from the start to the finish. It’s funny, touching (my camera through the fence), nostalgic and genuinely authentic to Tom. I binged it as soon as I could. I love that Tom reads it himself.

Top dog would be so proud. 5/5 jeans, homie. 👖👖👖👖👖
Can’t wait to see you in Australia in 2023!

2 people found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-18-22

beautifully delivered/constructed

This is by far my new favourite book. It's flawlessly read by the man himself, Tom Segura. With every sound effect or near perfect impression, I couldn't be more impressed with his delivery, there's reading a book and there's experiencing a book. This book is for sure an experience, and well worth the the listen/read.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-17-22

Spectacular!!

If this doesn’t get Garth to unblock him I don’t know what will…. Top dog is greatly missed by all of us..,

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-17-22

So funny

loved it, was everything I expected and more 😀
Listening to Ymh like every week means I'm very accustomed to hearing Tom, so to me the audio version was a no brainer.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Gene
  • 06-16-22

outstanding

hilarious 😂 also r.i.p top dogg.

absolutely loved it ❤️ 😀 👏 😍 👍

1 person found this helpful

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  • Audrey
  • 11-26-22

my jaw drops for your literary jeans mommy

jeans up high and tight 👖 👖 👖 👖 👖 / 👖 👖 👖 👖 👖

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  • Anonymous User
  • 11-14-22

Fantastic!

So glad I listened to this book. Tom is funny, earnest & a great storyteller. I’m not familiar with his stand up comedy but will definitely check it out after finishing this book.

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  • Anonymous User
  • 11-08-22

Missing one thing

Needs more Garth Brooks… 11 more review words required?? The four above says it all

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    3 out of 5 stars
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  • chris gill
  • 10-31-22

So close

Was loving hearing Tom and not hearing the laughing sycophants in the back ground like his podcasts………..right until the very last sentence , didn’t ruin the experience for me but sure was a turd in the punch bowl. Thankfully it wasn’t through the whole book I would of only endured half a chapter.

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  • Anonymous User
  • 10-20-22

worlds greatest

this audio book sits up there with his specials and records. one of the best comedians alive. great work buddy.