• I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

  • Essays
  • By: Tom Segura
  • Narrated by: Tom Segura
  • Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
  • 4.9 out of 5 stars (5,904 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

From Tom Segura, the massively successful stand-up comedian and cohost of chart-topping podcasts 2 Bears 1 Cave and Your Mom’s House, hilarious real-life stories of parenting, celebrity encounters, youthful mistakes, misanthropy, and so much more.

Tom Segura is known for his twisted takes and irreverent comedic voice. But after a few years of crazy tours and churning out podcasts weekly, all while parenting two young children, he desperately needs a second to himself. It’s not that he hates his friends and family—he’s not a monster—he’s just beat, which is why his son’s (ruthless) first full sentence, “I’d like to play alone, please”, has since become his mantra. 

In this collection of stories, Tom combines his signature curmudgeonly humor with a revealing look at some of the ridiculous situations that shaped him and the ludicrous characters who always seem to seek him out. The stories feature hilarious anecdotes about Tom's time on the road, including some surreal encounters with celebrities at airports; his unfiltered South American family; the trials and tribulations of parenting young children with bizarrely morbid interests; and, perhaps most memorably, experiences with his dad who, like any good Baby Boomer father, loves to talk about his bowel movements and share graphic Vietnam stories at inappropriate moments. All of this is enough to make anyone want some peace and quiet. 

I'd Like to Play Alone, Please will have listeners laughing out loud and nodding in agreement with Segura's message: In a world where everyone is increasingly insane, sometimes you just need to be alone.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.  

©2022 Tom Segura (P)2022 Grand Central Publishing

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What listeners say about I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

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**WARNING - GRAPHIC**

I have hundreds of audiobooks and have been a member for over 10 years, but this one should have came with a warning! I was an hour into it before I had to quit. The graphic descriptions of stuff he witnessed in a hospital, which he says are all true stories, was too much for me to handle. I will now struggle for days with this crap in my head, so I'm pretty disturbed and upset at the moment. I barely got a taste of the Vietnam War casualties descriptions, but I believe there was plenty more to come if I had continued listening. I am very sqeemish, but even my big, brute-of-a-man boyfriend was put-off by some of it. Please like this review so that it will be seen by us sqeemish people who need the warning!

15 people found this helpful

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Hot sauce is the best!

I could not have asked for a better Audi book! Tom was definitely not stingy and delivered in full. I could not stop listening to this once I started. Seriously try it out!

12 people found this helpful

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It on took 4 strokes!

I took 12 Benadryl and got through this entire audio book in 4 strokes. Tom kept his jeans both high and tight while writing this riveting novel. He is definitely the water champ and Hot Sauce is the best!

7 people found this helpful

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100% yes.

If you enjoyed Tom Segura’s stand up and/or his podcast, this is a solid gold box of wonderful. The stories you already know, he tells in even greater hilarious detail. The ones you don’t know yet are every bit as good. And to top it off, it’s all delivered by him in his signature, perfect, even cadence that sounds like something between a wide eyed 10 year old encountering his first adventures in the world, and the delightfully condescending mellow-energy stand-up power house that he is. I am now on my third back to back listen in a row. I will enjoy this for years to come.

5 people found this helpful

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Touched my camera through the fence

Tim Sugar kills it in this performance of his book, ‘I’d Like to Play Alone, Please,’ breathing life to his words in a way that a normal, low and loose jean wearer simply could not. Of course, as a true mommy should, I purchased a hard copy as well. I cannot express how much better it is hearing Tom tell these stories with his impressions of all of the wild characters in his life. Special shout to Elece Green for bringing quality in production to an already fantastic piece of work. I rate it 4/4 strokes.

4 people found this helpful

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Certified main mommy classic

Goodmorning Julia,
This book touched my feelings through the fence. I took 10-12 Benadryl and got listening. It is absolutely fantastic. Tom goes into multiple stories of his life, including different life lessons he’s learned and just entertaining and relevant stuff that has happened to him. If you call yourself a mommy and you claim to wear your jeans high and tight, you better listen to this masterpiece. It will make you laugh, cry, think, and maybe even cum. I’m an absolute fan of tommy bunz and being able to indulge in his story telling abilities in this format was top-notch. Truly shows you who the main personality champ is, and emotion champ, water champ is still up for grabs. Don’t pirate the book, we’re gonna ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest global main mommy book mankind has ever seen.
Keep ur jeans high and tight
Ps: Garth pls give me back my fam

4 people found this helpful

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Great book.

Tom is hilarious. This book is full of great stories. The fact that he reads it himself makes all the difference.

3 people found this helpful

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One of the funniest comics ever, has written one of the best books ever.

I heard the whole thing... And im not really paying attention to anything. But this book got me... Loved every word. And Tom did an amazing job reading it.

3 people found this helpful

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Hey buddy

This book is no less than 4 strokes worthy, one could even say better than using a lung infection as an instrument, Rest In Peace Top Dog. HEY BUDDY!

3 people found this helpful

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homeherenow

This is definitely a four stroke banger.Jeans did such a great job what a cool guy . seriously though he really did a great job. I'm also glad he was the reader THANKS TOMMMMM

2 people found this helpful

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  • Tom Geddes
  • 06-15-22

Definitely not stingey.

if this book was a camera, I'd totally touch it through the fence. absolutely love everything Tim does and this book really didn't dissapoint. Great listen. also it was nice not having Bart interrupt all the way through.

2 people found this helpful

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  • David
  • 06-15-22

Tommy buns strikes again

My jeans have never been so high and tight.
Retelling of old classic tales told on various podcasts over the years and some new ones mixed in. Whether you're a fan of Tom's stand up, YMH or Two Bears, this is an absolute must.

For Top Dog

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-15-22

Hilarious.

Honestly I can say, this is one of the best and funniest books I've heard. I listened to it in a day, thank you Tom.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Patrik
  • 06-14-22

😂 Love it

Love it, great story telling, very funny. Tommy is the one and only, great,

1 person found this helpful

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  • Dean
  • 08-15-22

hilarious insight into Tom Seguras life

very enjoyable and funny book to listen to, found my self looking for things to do so I could get through it would highly recommend to anyone even if they've seen his comedy or not

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  • uk22
  • 08-14-22

Hilarious

Fantastic listen. Had me rolling with laughter. Tom at his funniest in my opinion. Will definitely be listening to it again.

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  • Will - Cornwall
  • 08-03-22

Superb, funny and well read

Loved it. Great to hear some of his stories from stand ups expanded on. He's a great story teller.

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  • padraic connolly
  • 08-01-22

You’ll laugh a lot or you won’t .

This book won’t take long to work out if it’s for you. if Tom Dads phone calls and bowel movements hit the spot your on to a winner . If your not enjoying his conversation for one it’s probably not for you. I was hooked quickly and had a few very funny journey to work with Toms great stories.

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 08-01-22

Touch his camera through the fence

Piss on me beat me, I love this book! RIP Top Dog! Just Glassing

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  • Hatchy
  • 08-01-22

Big Fan of Tom. This didn’t disappoint

A laid back book worth listening to. Plenty of laughs and little life lessons worth remembering

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-18-22

beautifully delivered/constructed

This is by far my new favourite book. It's flawlessly read by the man himself, Tom Segura. With every sound effect or near perfect impression, I couldn't be more impressed with his delivery, there's reading a book and there's experiencing a book. This book is for sure an experience, and well worth the the listen/read.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-17-22

Spectacular!!

If this doesn’t get Garth to unblock him I don’t know what will…. Top dog is greatly missed by all of us..,

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-17-22

So funny

loved it, was everything I expected and more 😀
Listening to Ymh like every week means I'm very accustomed to hearing Tom, so to me the audio version was a no brainer.

1 person found this helpful

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  • Gene
  • 06-16-22

outstanding

hilarious 😂 also r.i.p top dogg.

absolutely loved it ❤️ 😀 👏 😍 👍

1 person found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 06-15-22

5/5 Jeans!

This book was high and tight from the start to the finish. It’s funny, touching (my camera through the fence), nostalgic and genuinely authentic to Tom. I binged it as soon as I could. I love that Tom reads it himself.

Top dog would be so proud. 5/5 jeans, homie. 👖👖👖👖👖
Can’t wait to see you in Australia in 2023!

1 person found this helpful

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  • Pete Kimura
  • 08-10-22

Full of LOL's

Love Tommy boy. Played to the end and yes played alone. R.I.P Top Dog.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Anonymous User
  • 08-03-22

so good

will listen to it again, amazing to get to know the amazing comedian better. absolute ledgend

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • FL
  • 08-03-22

Hilarious and highly recommended

This audiobook is SO FUNNY and the way Tom narrated it is fantastic. It’s like listening to a podcast. The stories are great and will definitely re-listen to this again.

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  • Scott Cameron
  • 08-02-22

Legend!

What an absolute treasure Tom is, he must be protected at all costs!! fifteen word minimum.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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  • Anonymous User
  • 07-29-22

Daddy Segura Strikes Again

Hands down one of the best audio book experiences out there. Recommend to anyone that has a brain.