• Ignore It!

  • How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction
  • By: Catherine Pearlman PhD LCSW
  • Narrated by: Christine Williams
  • Length: 5 hrs and 51 mins
  • 4.5 out of 5 stars (165 ratings)

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Publisher's Summary

This book teaches frustrated, stressed-out parents that selectively ignoring certain behaviors can actually inspire positive changes in their kids.

With all the whining, complaining, begging, and negotiating, parenting can seem more like a chore than a pleasure. Dr. Catherine Pearlman, syndicated columnist and one of America's leading parenting experts, has a simple yet revolutionary solution: Ignore it!

Dr. Pearlman's four-step process returns the joy to child-rearing. Combining highly effective strategies with time-tested approaches, she teaches parents when to selectively look the other way to withdraw reinforcement for undesirable behaviors. Too often we find ourselves bargaining, debating, arguing, and pleading with kids. Instead of improving their children's behavior, parents are ensuring that it will not only continue but often get worse. When children receive no attention or reward for misbehavior, they realize their ways of acting are ineffective and cease doing it. Using proven strategies supported by research, this book shows parents how to:

  • Avoid engaging in a power struggle
  • Stop using attention as a reward for misbehavior
  • Use effective behavior modification techniques to diminish and often eliminate problem behaviors
  • Overflowing with wisdom, tips, scenarios, frequently asked questions, and a lot of encouragement, Ignore It! is the parenting program that promises to return bliss to the lives of exasperated parents.

©2017 Catherine Pearlman, PhD LCSW (P)2017 Blackstone Audio, Inc.

What listeners say about Ignore It!

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CAUTION!

This is not a book on how to raise human beings or even a parenting book. It is a guide for behavior modification. I would not recommend this book for parents just starting. Please read “How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk “ or No drama discipline” or even “The explosive child “ . If you believe in positive parenting and respectful parenting, if you believe in teaching kids collaboration this is not be the book for you or at least not the one you read first. Also for those of you familiar with eating disorders this might be triggering because she uses food both as a reward and a punishment so all you parents please be very cautious with those aspects of this book.
I agree with a previous reviewer, as a parent that believes in positive discipline, I also found this book hard to read, for some of the same reasons they pointed out. The author paints the child parent relationship as adversarial, an us versus them and if you win I lose relationship in the first chapters. Children are described as manipulative and acting out for attention. I, like the other reviewer knows that children act out for many different reasons, that for children behavior is communication and communication is trying to get real valid needs met. The snarky tone of the narrator is quite off putting when she describes the acting out. The author mentions that some parents are worried that they are teaching their kids to ignore THEM. The author states that it’s not true because you as parents won’t let them because you will dole out consequences if they try to do what YOU as the parent are doing to them (I’m sure the do as I say not as I do approach is not the best).Other thoughts on this was how about their peers or future adult relationships.
One of the things that kept me up at night is found in Chapter 7 she gives an example of Ignore It! In public, it was a punishment that she gave her daughter who was 5 (a toddler!) because she was found to have stolen cookies. The punishment was she was not allowed dessert for 1 week. And the parents knew she had a birthday party at the tail end of that week which they took her to and (of course) told her she could not have any of the desserts that were in abundance at this BIRTHDAY PARTY! Of course this 5 year old toddler cried and begged, whined for dessert which was ... you guessed it ...ignored. A grandma took pity on this child and took her to get dessert but she was taken back by the author who then went on to describe how the crying and begging got worse because of the outside interference. So the point the author was trying to make? It was how to apply Ignore it in public and the pitfall of other people getting involved. This story traumatized me. Listening to it again I feel it traumatized many, the child, the grandmother, the party goers. BUT did it work? Did this child stop being a slave to the temptation of sweets??? Well we were not told but there are clues. In chapter 9 she talks about rewards and reward charts and one of the things her daughter is working on on her reward chart is ....SWEETS! The five year old daughter is now a 9 year old so four years later there are still issues going on with SWEETS. So has the addition of reward charts coupled with Ignore It! Helped this child? Well not sure because again in chapter 10 when the author talks about consequences and that they should have meaning (and relate to the infraction) she points out using sweets as a consequence for her daughter because that means something to her and if the author is following her own guidelines also relates to the infraction,so again sweets is still a problem.
So what’s not good about this book? It’s disrespectful to children, over focused on food and meals.
So does this book have nothing to offer?
Well if you do read this book #1 READ ALL OF IT #2 I would suggest you start reading it by reading chapter 11 first which she reveals that there could be other reasons for the acting out, read from 11 till the end then chapters 9 and 10 then 5,6,7,8 then from the beginning.
This book does offer some good insight into “time out” which I don’t use but I like how she presents it “not a punishment but a reset” . This book offers a tool, a tool that should be used very seldom or not at all but still a tool for a parent that accidentally reinforced an annoying habit in their child and now needs help with a reset.
But use common sense and compassion as your guide. I have called the police on the neighbor for allowing the child she was caring for to cry for an intolerable length of time. My peace is valuable to me and I will balk at being forced to have to endure the consequences of your reset. There are better books and I named some in the beginning of my review but I want to emphasize a few things after reading this book.
#1 Do not use food as a punishment or reward this is something the author indirectly reinforced by how her daughter had issues with food for years. Do not bring food into the house that is not meant to be eaten.
#2 Do not expect other people to give up their peace freely for your reset or for your consequence be mindful and respectful of other persons space and life experiences. Especially when there are other ways to discipline and do things.

17 people found this helpful

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Where is the PDF download?

While I love the concepts in the book - where is the mentioned PDF that she keeps referring to in the book. It is supposed to have a download but it is not available.

Please post the PDF

15 people found this helpful

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Did not love

Honestly, I had a hard time listening to this book. I don't believe that children "act out" for attention (which is the foundation upon which this book is built). Rather, I feel that my children seek connection. The advice isn't awful, it's just not great. I'm sure it "works" on the surface, but I'm not interested in the surface level behavior of my children. I know some parents swear by this book, but I was a huge miss for me.

7 people found this helpful

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This is not positive parenting based information

Someone remind this author, please, that a two year old is not capable of malicious manipulation and getting "drunk on power"! Like, who hurt you?!

6 people found this helpful

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Buy now!

What an awesome awesome book! My parenting experience is so much more enjoyable and there is so much less fighting, whinny and negotiating in our day to day. Buy this book now and read with your parenting partners!

2 people found this helpful

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It works!

Really enjoy this approach and has allowed for me to easily employ the offered advice. It works!!

She refers to reference tables and worksheets - are these available alongside the audio book as download??

2 people found this helpful

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It works!

I'm a mom of a precocious and amazing 4.5 year old who is a brilliant negotiator and a force to be reckoned with. I love this about her... except that it became incredibly challenging to deal with her seemingly endless outbursts. As a mom who always wants to validate feelings and is not interested in stifling emotions, I didn't realize that some of my compassionate responses were not helping her or me in the moment.

Enter - Ignore It!

This approach has helped me to preserve my emotional energy while still allowing my child to express emotions. She can express all she wants, but it doesn't phase me nor do I need to engage anymore (until she's calmed down). What's been great is that I have noticed a significant downtick in the number and length of outbursts. She's able to express frustration and move on more quickly now.

Highly recommend this approach to all parents and caretakers. It feels a bit strange at first, but it is extremely helpful!

1 person found this helpful

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The best parenting advice I ever received

this works. it's needed. it's spot on true. the title does know justice for the actual book. this is not about ignoring your children

1 person found this helpful

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Eye opening and life changing

We started applying some of the practices advised in the book, and it has really changed the dynamics in our home. Everything just goes smoother and the tension has substantially decreased. It’s been transcending!

1 person found this helpful

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Almost good, but not "Positive Discipline" based.

There are "some" great tips here, and some I will repeat back to parents, however the Time Out section is what has killed it for me.
In positive discipline, based on Adlerian Psychology, it is taught that Children have an inherent need (just like a need for food, water and shelter) for power and attention. Behavior is not random, it is goal oriented, to get attention or feel power (or both).
A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Kids don't intend to be "bad" or misbehave, they just don't know how to get what they need in positive ways, so they do it in whatever way works.
Children do better when they feel better, and you can't punish a child into better behavior.
Sure you can punish them, and it may work to stop the undesirable behavior temporarily, but at what cost?

If a child takes a cookie from sister, putting her in timeout (even if in the same room) will feel punishing and
is not getting to the root of the problem. If sister bugs brother while he's doing homework, is that a bid for power? Attention? Punishing her dismisses the real problem, AND puts the other child in a "victim" role that they learn to play out and repeat throughout childhood and life. "being a victim gets me special services, being a victim gets me attention or someone in trouble, I am powerful when I'm a victim". All the while the other child feels "I feel defeated, I am not getting my needs met
We need to teach out kids "conflict resolution" Siblings are lucky in that they get many opportunities to practice conflict resolution, IF the parent doesn't do it for them.

I do want to give the book some credit. Ignoring undesirable behavior but not the child - and how to do that without any kind of blame shame or punishment. However I feel it has missed the mark and more research needs to be done to give parents more solid advice on stopping misbehavior to ensure those power and attention buckets are being filled in positive ways, that way children don't have to ping-pong around trying to find ways to get them filled, and end up doing it in negative ways.

I'd say this book is best for people who understand positive discipline philosophy and need help on ignoring undue attention. But nix the time outs. That part is no bueno.

1 person found this helpful