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Publisher's Summary

Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner?  

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships.  

Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides nonmonogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory. 

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2020 Jessica Fern (P)2020 Thorntree Press

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What listeners say about Polysecure

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Insanely boring, poor audio quality & narration

After listening to More than two, I expected this might be equally useful to listen to, but dear god it is boring! It reads like a text book lecture on the forms of attachment, which is good information I'm sure, however it is so much for so long that it's just hard to listen to, especially when the narration is TERRIBLE! She will break off mid sentence and pop back on very often, where it is clear a mistake was made and rather than re-doing the line, she will punch in where she messed up creating weird and jarring audio with fade in and out effects in the middle of what she's saying, and they are constant! I am 4 or 5 chapters in and she STILL hasn't moved past explaining attachment styles in her dry, clinical, bored professor lecturing way. I'm sure it has great information in it somewhere, but I'm noping out, just cannot listen to another minute of this.

10 people found this helpful

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Finally a book for those who struggle!

Being new to really opening up and giving poly a shot, this book was what I needed and wanted in emotional support and guidance. Reading the "Ethical Slut," "Sex at Dawn," and "More than Two," left me feeling intellectually, and even spiritually, on board with the concept of Polyamory. However, the books also left me feeling inept, small, insecure, and frustrated, in the emotional struggles that have followed. "Polysecure" takes the fundamentals of attachment theory and helps apply them to polyamory so people can still achieve securely attached relationships in a nurturing, conscious and healthy way. I really appreciate the way the author approaches the topic with compassion and with gentleness. She does a wonderful job at not pathologizing what would be classified as an "insecure" attachment style. Hearing how and why different attachment styles develop helped me gain self awareness, acceptance, and compassion instead of feeling shame and embarrassment for instances of less than "secure" behavior. She also highlights that polyamory is inherently a path into uncertainty, and naturally, going to be triggering at times. Just hearing this admitted was just a breath of fresh air and a relief. Not only was the information in the book sensitive and supportive, having the narration done by the author really captures her warmth and care. After reading the book, I feel like I have the tools, support, and self compassion to start moving forward with the emotional side of the journey in a way that is healthy and patient with myself and others.

9 people found this helpful

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Seemed Poly and Mono Relationships Very Similar

The book called out there was a big difference between monogamous and poly relationships but most of the advice was very similar to what you would give to someone in a monogamous relationship. Focus on yourself, understand your attachment issues, be a better partner. With poly relationships there are more partners granted, but the advice seemed very similar.

7 people found this helpful

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A must-read for CNM persons

Amazing how long it has taken for a book like this to be written. Polysecure is a perfect accompaniment to “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” (which itself is a great substitution for “More Than Two” following the accusations against Veaux).

Fern takes a compassionate approach to CNM and all the attachment styles, providing guidance for navigating the issues that arise. I also feel like I understand attachment theory a lot better.

Planning on reading several times. Thank you so much, Jessica Fern.

3 people found this helpful

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Recommend for anyone in any type of relationship!

This content is so rich an helpful in understanding the self and the partner(s). As a psychotherapist, I read this to better support my clients in consensual non-monogamous relationships. Jessica Fern did a wonderful job talking about attachment and how to apply practices to the self and various relationships.

2 people found this helpful

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Great Starting Point

Fantastic resource for more than just people practicing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). I was enamored by the structure of the book. Starting with a glossary, the author then gives you a brief outline of what you will read, starting with foundational principles (in this case attachment theory), then how they relate to CNM, finally moving to strategies on how to apply those to your interpersonal relationships. The author will then make references to previous sections or inform you when this particular topic will surface again.

While focusing on CNM, this book has something for people of many different relationship styles. The first third of the book is about attachment theory mostly devoid of any CNM context, and the principles presented could easily be applied to a monogamous relationship or platonic friendship.

The author doesn't present the book as the be-all and end-all; repeatedly stating that research is severely lacking in this area. The author will frequently list other books and resources to continue your learning. This book seems meant to be a start, not an end, to growth in creating secure attachments with one's self and others.

2 people found this helpful

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Alt title: Confronting Complex Trauma for Dummies

The book introduces an overview of attatchment styles and the way our trauma-informed brains apply the styles from our development throughout pur lives and future relationships. It is full of wonderful general relationship and communication advice, and details specifically how people who are nonmonogamous can work to serve the relationship partners' as well as their own needs, hopes, and desires.

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Awesome

I've never read a book about attachment so thoroughly clear, affirming and non shaming. Very very good.

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attachment style defined!

loved it! the first the few chapters on attachment style were eye opening! so good!

1 person found this helpful

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This book is for everyone

Practical compassionate wisdom for all humans who relate to themselves and other humans. you definitly don't need to be poly to read this and benefit from it.

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  • Bridget Iesan
  • 10-21-21

An essential listen

An essential listen for anyone practicing or interested in polyamory. This book provided a useful application of Attachment Theory and gave prompts and questions for the reader/listener to delve deeper into their understanding of themselves, the world and relationships around them.

Highly recommended!

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 08-30-21

A must read!

A super useful and insightful read for anyone looking to become more secure in themselves and their relationships.

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  • Kindle-klant
  • 08-01-21

Really helpful, but for the uninitiated

Read ‘the Ethical Slut’, ‘Sex at dawn’ and/or ‘More than two’ first. If you then end up needing practical guidance on how to manage the pitfalls of your (new) polyamorous life, or if you’re a hardcore love/sexuality nerd, then this is the book for you.

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  • linda mizun
  • 06-29-21

Outstanding

An outstanding book, and I would highly recommend it for everyone: would would like to improve their relationship with themselves, their monogamous relation or in poly. it should be taught at universities.

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  • Stewart Smith
  • 04-21-21

The best book on ENM

This well thought out and evidence based guide to attachment. Best book I've ever read on the topic

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  • Riyad Dunne
  • 04-05-21

Amazing book, insightful and helpful

Well written and narrated. Gives a great insight to attachment theories and how will will affect your relationships.
But they gives you food for thought of how to navigate and have more secure relationships with others and yourself.
I would recommend this book to all poly people and even mono people. I ordered a hard copy for future reference.

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  • Kodi
  • 08-17-21

life-changing experience

I'm a 32-year-old man with diagnosed PTSD from their abusive parents as a child. I also suffer from ADHD.

My ADHD brain has always prevented me from being an ideal partner in a monogamous relationship. Polyamory has always been a practice that I have always to try but with no success due to insecurity and jealousy

the work of art that is Polysecure has shifted my entire perspective on my partner, our relationship, monogamy and myself. it has encouraged me to think of myself more and stop trying to find happiness in others.

Previously I tried to find security in the type of relationship I had with someone rather than seeking security in the love that we share.

Polysecure has opened my eyes to the possibility of sustainable and consentual non-monogamy.

Thank you so much for this experience. I will recommend this book.to as many people as I can.

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  • Philip Bateman - Bravo Charlie
  • 08-04-21

A book on how to have amazing communication with a partner, whether that be one or more

I’ve been slowly winding through Polysecure / Jessica Fern over the past months, the first part on her extension to attachment theory was great, though it wasn’t till I’ve got near the end and heard her speak on Secure Attachment figures, that it’s really blown my mind open.

It includes having a conversation with someone about whether they want to be one, the ways to assess if someone is available for that irrespective of what they say, and how important clarity in this area is.

As a relatively serial monogamist it’s been hugely insightful to me to realise all the ways I took for granted, and was implicitly and unconsciously checking if I could be securely attached to another, the ways this would manifest in my relationships, and that I wasn't checking with people if they were up for this from day 1.

Amazing stuff, I’d highly recommend the listen, it’s more generally a book on how to have amazing communication with a partner, whether that be one or more.

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 06-26-21

Fantastic Ressource

I learnt so much about relating in general in this book that it will be a constant Ressource for me from now on to navigate my journey from monogamy to polyamory. It truely changed my life by helping me to get more awareness about myself and how to navigate what I was yearning for my whole life.

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  • Jonathan Swan
  • 06-01-21

Great resource and support

Wonderful book full of insights and such a help for those in poly or non-monogamous relationships.