• When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • By: George Carlin
  • Narrated by: George Carlin
  • Length: 7 hrs and 30 mins
  • 3.8 out of 5 stars (1,533 ratings)

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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?  By  cover art

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

By: George Carlin
Narrated by: George Carlin
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Publisher's Summary

Following his two New York Times best sellers, Brain Droppings and Napalm & Silly Putty, comes George Carlin's third audiobook, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, a riotous journey through the mind of one of America's premiere comic observers.

Ranging from his absurdist side (Message from a Cockroach; TV News: The Death of Humpty Dumpty; Tips for Serial Killers) to his unerring ear for American speech (Politician Talk; Societal Cliches; 13 Sections of Euphemisms) to his unsparing views on America and its values (War, God, Stuff Like That; Zero Tolerance; Tired of the Handi-crap), Carlin's legendary irreverence and iconoclasm are on full display as he vainly scours the American landscape for signs of intelligence.

He also has a silly side:

  • You know what kind of guy you never see anymore? A fop.
  • A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."
  • I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  • A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they're interested in fashion.
  • I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don't talk, he works out alone, and I go home.
  • Here's something you can't do by yourself: practice shaking hands.
  • When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
  • Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
  • O.J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
  • ©2004 Comedy Concepts, Inc. (P)2004 Hyperion

    Critic Reviews

    • Audie Award Finalist, Humor, 2005
    • 2005 Quill Award Nominee
    • Grammy Award Nominee, Best Spoken Word Album, 2005

    "There's no better way to enjoy one of Carlin's books than to hear him read it himself....Carlin has his comic timing down pat. His energetic reading is punctuated by conversational bits and enhanced by his deft vocal variation, making listeners feel as if they've got a front-row seat at one of his comedy shows." (Publishers Weekly)

    What listeners say about When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

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    • Overall
      4 out of 5 stars

    I nice pragmatic view of life.

    Consisting of recycled material from his rather large catalog of standup material this book is George Carlin at his pragmatic best. Looking at everything from Religion to Airline travel through the eyes of a man looking for the easiest answer to lifes mysteries no matter how much it upsets the average person. Like his previous books there is very little new here that hasn't been in his standup act, however, it is still as entertaining as every to listen to him reading it in this audiobook style.

    Highly Recommended.

    37 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars

    Wonderful!

    I loved this book, I own it in hardback, cd audio book, and am about to download it in "audible" format for my ipod.

    Like most things I love, it seems people either love or hate this book, with no middle ground. I think a simple "not for practicing Christians, or people of deeply held religious beliefs" label might solve this problem.

    In short, if you are an atheist, or just sick of the religious right, this book is one of the funniest ever. I've listened to it many times and I love it just as much as the first time I heard it. If you are a Christian with strongly held beliefs, or just uncomfortable with jokes at religions expense, especially Christianity, then download something else, and leave the Carlin to us heathens. We will take your share happily.

    I am an atheist, and I laughed nonstop through this book, as it stomped on sacred cows, ranted and poked society in all the places you "are not supposed to make fun of/suppposed to talk about" It leaves no stone unturned digging for moralist hypocracy, and it shows.

    The best review of any book that really shakes people and hits them where they live is its measure of how many people people go out of their way to write slanderous reviews in hopes of discouraging others from hearing the ideas within.

    In the end its a book of ideas, and if you don't like the ideas, you won't like the book. I loved it, I think its his best yet and I really hope he lives to write many more. I can't wait to see how he tops this one!
    Tak a#344

    34 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      1 out of 5 stars

    Depressing, Self-Indulgent, Depressing

    A long time ago, I really enjoyed George Carlin's comedy. He was original, bright and extremely funny. However ... over the past several years, he has become nothing more than an empty shell.

    I find that what he has to say is nothing more than mindless ramblings with a bunch of four letter words thrown in for chuckles. He is nothing more than an angry old man who thinks he is funny but isn't.

    32 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      1 out of 5 stars

    A book I COULD put down

    I've loved George Carlin. And I identify with many of his views on life. But his latest book is missing the most important ingredient of the ones I've loved in the past; humor. This book (and I confess I could not finish it) is just not funny. I wanted it to be. I expected it to be. It wasn't.
    I listened beyond my normal tolerance hoping for a major turn, but after I had dutifully hung on for nearly 75%, I put myself out of my misery and turned my iPod back to something funnier; the presidential debates.

    24 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      4 out of 5 stars

    Laugh outloud funny...

    I think the other people reviewing this book are missing the point. George Carlin is known for his fowl-mouthed inane humor and he certainly delivers in this book. The fact that he is the narrator just adds to the humor.
    Not for the easily offended or persistently PC crowd.
    C'mon everybody - lighten up!

    19 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      4 out of 5 stars

    Not for the close minded

    Anyone who comes expecting George Carlin to be anyone but himself is lost. His fans will enjoy this, as did I.

    11 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      1 out of 5 stars

    Sad

    There is good humor, bad humor, and material that is neither; George Carlin book falls in the later. As I listen, I kept on wondering when it was going to get funny, then I wonder how this material had made it to print, finally, I despaired.

    With so many talented individuals seeking a chance to show their work, it is a shame that this mediocre work has found its way into the bookstores.

    11 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars

    Build Your IQ While Laughing

    Fortunately Mr. Carlin is not running for President, as his perspective is way out of the "mainstream". His cynacism and his almost God-less agnosticism combined with a carefully delivered, gratuitous raunch, can be a challenge to the most open minded of God fearing folks. However, brandishing a super-sharp intellect, and a subtle but real concern for the well being of humanity, George presents insightful alternative points of view, the consideration of which is immensely rewarded with continuous, uncontrolled bouts of liberating laughter.

    9 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars

    Very Brave, the truth about life today........

    I love to laugh instead of getting angry about the latest things that Some very "bigoted people" think is majority thinking.... Mr. Carlin is great for placing in ones mind visual truths about everyday living. He says it like it is and is very entertaining while sharing his thoughts..Loved the book and recomend reading it before passing judgement....It is not about politics or religion .. SEEMS TO ME LIKE IT IS ABOUT LAUGHING, .. INSTEAD OF CRYING, ABOUT Life today...

    8 people found this helpful

    • Overall
      2 out of 5 stars

    Selectively Funny

    I'm about half-way through the book, and will hopefully be able to finish it without a lot more pain. Most of his monologues are humorous and the language not out of line. Then, in between topics, he'll go into a news story imitation or similar and get into language that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush; and the material is just not that funny. If he'd stick to the monologues (Aliens, 10 Commandments, etc...) and didn't feel as if he had to use every known curse word (repeatedly), this book would be 5-star material.

    8 people found this helpful

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    • Jason.W
    • 08-02-17

    The funniest man to ever live.

    How could you possibly not love the late great George Carlin?
    Hilarious, wise, and insightful, this man will never fail to entertain, inform and educate.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars
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    • Jon Burkitt
    • 04-13-17

    Carlin was more than this World deserved

    George Carlin was one of the greatest minds we had the pleasure to see into through works like this. I haven't read/heard his other books so there could be better, but this was very entertaining and as always with Mr. Carlin, thought provoking. A little dated in places, so if you weren't culturally aware at the time this was written it might be a little lost on you, but it's not severe. Buy it and enjoy. WWGCD.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars
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    • Sam Heffernan
    • 06-29-16

    Classic Carlin

    If you know George Carlin then you know what to expect. He delivers nothing short of what we've come to expect. funny quips and detailed analysis of how absurd life is... from a language point at least.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      3 out of 5 stars
    • Performance
      5 out of 5 stars
    • Story
      3 out of 5 stars
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    • Mr Black
    • 02-04-16

    average at best

    a slight let down, unfortunately not as good as his stand up but otherwise a great listen while working or exercising.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      1 out of 5 stars
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      1 out of 5 stars
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      1 out of 5 stars
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    • Mark
    • 01-09-14

    As George Might Have Said:What the F*ck was That?!

    If this book wasn’t for you, who do you think might enjoy it more?

    Perhaps thirteen year old boys and bitter, grumpy old men.

    What was most disappointing about George Carlin’s story?

    George was always vulgar and "in your face" but this book, if you can call it that, goes way beyond. You can't actually tell whether he's trying to be ironically funny or if he actually believes the stuff he's spouting, there are blatantly obvious satires but very little classic Carlin wit, he often comes off as boorish and crude . Most of it is just repetitious ramble. There is very little quintessential Carlin here.

    How did the narrator detract from the book?

    Carlin sounded as defeated and deflated as the topics he schizophrenically jumps back and forth between. One of the primary messages of the book seems to be, "Don't worry about them coming to get you, they're here and they've got you already"... Ironic really, that the apathy in his voice fits with it's overall message of hopelessness in a artsy sort of way.

    What reaction did this book spark in you? Anger, sadness, disappointment?

    Disappointment. Carlin's stand-up comedy was controversial and FUNNY with a delivery that suggested that he genuinely believed the vast majority of what he spoke about, that he wasn't just saying things for a laugh. The only anger and sadness... make that vitriol and depression, come from Carlin himself.

    Any additional comments?

    I sorry to have used a membership credit on this book. If you enjoy George Carlin's stand-up, you will not find more of the same here.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars
    Profile Image for Robert
    • Robert
    • 07-28-12

    The American Victor Meldrew ?

    I haven't even heard this yet, bar the sample preview, but knowing George Carlin's stand-up work, I know I'm going to enjoy it. He makes hard-hitting comments and detailed observations about life's ironies. And very funny it is, too.
    He swears a lot. Eddie Murphy uses expletives constantly, but with him it does seem gratuitous. By contrast, Carlin uses swearing only for comedic impact at strategic moments, and it works very effectively.

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      2 out of 5 stars
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      4 out of 5 stars
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      2 out of 5 stars
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    • Jack McCafferty
    • 05-25-21

    don't recommend

    Wasn't that funny, maybe because it's an audiobook and not a special.
    Maybe because he was trying to make points rather than make people laugh.
    Don't know, Don't reccomend.

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars
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    • Tommy
    • 01-06-21

    A must listen for comic lovers

    It's amazing in evey way the jokes are just next level I rate all of his book 20/10

    • Overall
      5 out of 5 stars
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      5 out of 5 stars
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      5 out of 5 stars
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    • Thuden
    • 05-12-20

    George Carlin at his best, loved it 👍

    Loved it!! Highly recomended. I'm not an American but still it is hilarious to listen! George Carlin was one gem in this world. World is emptier without you....

    • Overall
      3 out of 5 stars
    • Performance
      4 out of 5 stars
    • Story
      3 out of 5 stars
    Profile Image for Gavin Morrice
    • Gavin Morrice
    • 11-01-17

    Carlin, but not at his best

    I’m a huge fan of Carlin but this is not his best work.

    He stoops down to a lot of crass toilet humour in this book; most of it not funny enough to be justified. There are sections that are surrealist, which is never really Carlin’s strong suit, and felt like new material that he would try out on a Wednesday night in a bar, rather than a book.

    The best part about this book is Carlin’s analysis of language, which has always been one of his strongest areas. Throughout the book there’s a recurring theme of euphemistic language, which is funny, enjoyable, and thought provoking.

    Not a bad book, but not a good place to start with George Carlin.

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      2 out of 5 stars
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    • Graeme
    • 04-22-15

    nah

    a master of comedy but a disappointing book. moments of genius amid a torrent of random thoughts and ranting. I wanted to return it but hadn't figured out how. sorry georget

    1 person found this helpful

    • Overall
      1 out of 5 stars
    Profile Image for Anthony Carl Garcia
    • Anthony Carl Garcia
    • 10-05-20

    Rolled the dice and lost out

    This is basically George Carlins stand-up transcribed in to book form and it just doesn't work. Not even with Carlin himself narrating. It's choppy, doesn't really have any direction and isn't very funny.